I’m Ready

I think I’m ready to embark on a real long-lasting relationship again. but alas I have no one to share my journey….yet. I have a prospect but after all this time of pussy footing around I don’t think it’s gonna happen with him. why should I have to tell him what he needs to do to get me to that place where I want to tell everyone I’m in a relationship with him. maybe its better we stay as friends. I have no doubt that it can be done. basically we had reverted to friendship while I was away. oh sure he said he missed me but that’s because I wasn’t in the island. if I was here sure he’d miss me but he wouldn’t make any attempt to come see me. so how can I trust those words? they are nothing but words unless there is some action to put behind them. I was so sad well maybe not so sad but I was feeling melancholy. which when I looked it up means pensive sadness. and I sure was pensive I was thinking about D, so far the only person I could say I really actually loved. and I still love him in a way. I was thinking of all the promises and wishes I had for our future. the child that never was. it would’ve been 10 years on Oct. 1. 10 years. when I think of that number its impossible not to think of an 8 yr old Lil person. I think that’s why I’m unsure if I want to actually bring a child into this world. but I’ll admit I’m jealous of my bff but at least I’ll have a precious godbaby to dote on. and for that I’m actually excited. a baby that’s kinda my own.

I’m upset with him. upset at the things I hear of him suddenly doing without me. why now? or was it always so? I’m upset at the things he doesn’t tell me. but then I tell myself it is partially my fault since from the beginning it was me who distanced myself a bit. maybe that’s why I don’t even want it to work out. maybe I’ll just be the aunty, that single friend forever. I don’t want sex without the emotions anymore. afterwards there’s such a hollow feeling and it’s like you weren’t just feeling so good just a few minutes ago. I feel a bit teary now. maybe that’s also an outlet I need. I’ve had so many thoughts running through my mind that I just had to get them out in writing to see if it lessens the pressure. I want the comfort of knowing I have someone to call mine. I want that communication everyday. I want that quality time. I want that affection. I want that extra happiness. I want to smile thinking of my special someone. I want pics together. I want to do fun stuff together. I want that little cuddle after we’ve rocked each other’s world before I pull away. where is my person

jus wow

reading back some of the things i wrote have me like am i still a teenager? *sigh i am almost 25 and it’s getting harder to stop the thoughts crowding my mind and depressing me. i still haven’t found that motivation and that date is slowly creeping up on me. and im nowhere near where i thought i would be at this age and it’s all my fault.

I think i like this guy but ive said some pretty disparaging things before. is that a reason to hold back from pursuing something with him. and then theres the added problem of dude. but is that really my problem? hmm i don’t want to think of these things and i dont want to tell my bff that ive had sex with him and im thinking of doing it again. looking at the pros and cons guy would come out on top just for the simple fact that we actually talk and i dont think its because that he doesnt have a job that he is willing to spend time with me.

well i guess I haven’t felt the need to purge my feelings in a while. writing really is cathartic and with just a few posts, all the thoughts crowding my mind lessened. the only rant i want to go on now is about ‘dude’. oh but dude rile me up and then I remind myself we are not in a relationship per say. but i asked for something you said ok then in a later conversation you bring it up and you figure what? that I don’t need it anymore? that was what was most annoying. and im supposed to act like everything is all hunky dory when you call? error! colossal error! then…and then you say oh imma pass and shout you, and you never bloody turn up, not that i wanted you to. you don’t even call the next day and say well hey this happened so that’s why i didn’t pass. but i bet that you’ll eventually notice that my service is back and will want to come and say hi. ha, the reception will be even more frosty. so here’s hoping that you take a while. all of these things are just leading up to a cussing. and all that will happen is giving excuses and me like an idiot will turn a blind eye. but im giving you the rope to hang yourself because honestly truthfully, it bothers me but not enough that i think its worth saying anything about. you brought up possible plans and then *radio silence*. but you know what imma do? nothing. then again you know what? if you ask me why im ignoring you, I’ll answer honestly. i just aint feeling you at the moment because you are annoying and stupid and good thing more of my feelings aren’t invested in this because you would have gotten cussed out ever since. but you’re not worth my cuss words. drop it blunt and raw just like that and see how you like them apples.

diff subject: i really need some employment though. but for some reason im still reluctant to do what needs to be done. i lack gumption on a basic fundamental level and im not getting any better being enabled by my parents. all they throw at me is talk. and on some level it really hurts, on another level it frustrates and then it exasperate. yes it may look like im doing nothing, which i kinda am. but i am still sending out emails and letters (2) to advertisements in the paper. just very few are paying me any mind and it is all because of lack of experience. i know some of my letters are awesome, but people are so hung up on experience that they forget that i am 24, not 16 or now in adulthood. age has to count for something. do i have to be 30 before someone thinks you know what, from this cover letter she sounds intelligent and she has some qualifications let’s call her in and see if she actually is intelligent. that said, im nervous about this so-called interview i have on Tuesday. it’s not an ideal job, commission based, but as my mom says its something. will i even get the job? i am hesitant about calling these gas station numbers because, 1: i really dont want to work at a gas station, 2: im worried about my overly qualified academic past 3: there is the asthma concern 4: i dont think mummy will be very pleased 5: i also dont wanna talk to anyone on the phone 6: i dont want to see anyone i know, tell anyone i know. i really would like to be accepted for one of these jobs im applying for. desk jobs.

i have run out of steam.

oh yeah i want to publish a novel, but im lacking motivation again. i just want to do it because i can. but then i have doubts. am i really a writer? i mean sometimes i read stuff and think “omg i can do so much better” and then i rerad something i wrote and think of someone else reading it and i cringe. but i guess that’s why there are pen names. then i dont think it’s the most feasible thing to do. and i have such a grand idea for a serious but my main problem there is lack of ready access to the internet, because i need to do a ton of research.

now im outta steam

Apparently my father doesn’t understand the concept of the weekend. When I used to trek on my own it was almost always a Friday not really up in the week because why? People work and it is usually on weekends that they meet up with each other. And it just so happens that guy’s off days are on the weekend. Even when I had my other boyfriend it was usually on a weekend I saw him or went by him at night. But now I am more or less a big woman it is a problem? If I wanted more I’m a big girl I would ask for it. But I’m fine. Two Fridays in a row and now I’m a Friday night thing. When it was Thursday I was a Thursday woman. When I go somewhere I have mobility so it isn’t like I will necessarily stay in one spot. Althought last night was problem the first time that was actually true. But still I don’t like people. I almost didn’t want to be in guy’s presence with people around but I got over it. Because friends recognize you and I really like anonymity. But I guess I’m slowly accepting the possibility me and him might become more. And his friends aren’t bad, I guess.

Why people don’t wise up? Obviously if I didn’t put it in it means there is none, true? Yes I am 24 and I have no work experience. Only book smarts. And there goes my bit of depression again. Sigh. Should I ask for the 650? Damn but I been living in too much of a bubble just drifting. And it doesn’t seem like I’m going to burst it any time soon. Sigh. I have never been a go getter. Sad but entirely too true. I wish I could win the lottery. I wouldn’t have to ask for money to do anything. The least I could work with is 1,000. Enough to do a course and buy some clothes. Sigh. 

I really liked this other spot but doing that from my phone is too much of a hassle. And I can’t keep going offline I might miss important messages. Yeah right. I wonder if the themes will translate in mobile view. Nothing beats a try but a failure. Cool words pity I don’t follow that adage much. Sigh. 

Jeez but the trials of an iPhone are now hitting home. Well let me amend that and say the trials of not being to upgrade past iOS 6. I’m one of those people that uses every feature of my phone. Games: yes, calling: maybe, Internet: definitely yes. Maybe because I don’t have the Internet otherwise cellphones always get a pretty good workout with me. To me what I the sense of having a phone with all these cool features if you don’t use them? Alternately how can you have a phone and know nothing about it? Like my BFF says she’s getting an iPhone, will it be different or when she wants to know something will she ask me? She better not is all I’m saying. Because I googled whatever I wanted to know and thank God for the Internet because without it where would our world be.

trying to see which is better which has the least hassle. i just want to write.

diary

so many thoughts run through my mind at any given time and i want to write them out just to get them out. and that’s what I’m going to do